Excellent, inspiring and reassuring advice, 16. Juli 2006

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We have had a great time together but gradually we started being colder and less anticipating. It was obvious that the things were going in a bad direction. I was reluctant to rely on a book but a friend of mine recommended me this one so I bought it. I completely agree that this is an excellent book! It provides a lot of information in a pleasant and easy to understand and apply way. My wife was also fascinated and eagerly read it. It helped us to turn our conflicts into a positive and constructive tool, which we use to improve several aspects of our marriage now. It is especially helpful for couples who have lost more or less their intimacy and are willing to put some efforts to get it back. Trust me it is well-worth the time, conversations and the satisfaction of knowing that tomorrow will be better than today. Dr. Schnarch's book also contains a chapter about better sex. It is quite explicit. I know from personal experience that mature men tend to develop serious problems such as premature ejac., (semi) impotence, etc which have very negative effect on a marriage. That's why in addition I highly recommend "Scientifically guaranteed multi-orgasms and ultimate sex" by scientist Ritz, which helped me to overcome quickly my problems and started enjoying great pleasure in bed.

      Lots of helpful information!, 24. Juli 2000

Ok, to be truthful, I don't particularly like the author (found him to be egotistical) and I didn't like his writing style (found it to be wordy and sometimes hard to find his point)--However! There is an amazing amount of helpful information in this book. It was reccommeded to us by our marriage counselor and we found it is much more about intimacy within marriage than about sex, though there are one or two explicit passages. My husband is really bored by "self-help" books and he thought this was the most helpful of the three that were recommeded to us. He said that he went into it expecting the book to talk about my shortcomings and instead found it discribed him just as much. And in a manner that doesn't make you feel bad about yourself--a big plus. Inspires you to grow and change to heal your relationship, holds your hand when you're resistant to changing, helps you decide to change anyway.

       Would give it more stars if I could, 1. Juli 2000

This is an extraordinary book, full of depth, and insight, andabove all, this book will destroy the common myths that exist rightnow about relationships. This process that Dr. Schnarch talks about isn't for the faint of heart; it will take breaking away from all that is known about relationships, from one's personal past, to society's view of how relationships should be. Therapy hasn't come around yet to this new way of thinking quite yet - most therapists are still supporting the idea of non-differentiation. This book should give the psychology of relationships department a shot in the arm.

After going through an intensive symbiotic relationship myself a few years back, I came to realize, on my own, the principles of this book. There was no way I could continue looking for personal validation from my partner, given I wasn't exactly choosing the most supportive relationships anyway. This last relationship, 4 years ago, was a major case in point. After that I made the determination that it was much better to be alone, than to rely on someone to give me a better sense of myself - only I could do that. Its taken that much time to dig into myself and get to re-know myself - well actually, KNOW myself for the first time, and what I do and don't want.

It will take a major shift in consciousness to step up to the plate with this book - it demands it of anyone who wants to have a better quality relationship. It means dealing with inner demons, it means stop projecting and blaming your partner for your own failures in life. It means that one has to actually move to a new level of being, and perhaps abandon your past, completely - especially if you really want miraculous relationships with others - this one demands you find one with yourself.

       FOR CHRISTIANS ALSO!, 12. Mai 2000

Most evangelical Christians (of which I am one) would not read David's book, but they should! His language is pretty "worldly" and can be offensive, but the concepts that he discusses are actually Scriptural. His basic concepts are actually more scriptural than most of the so-called "Christian" books that we find in Christian book stores. His basic concept of "Differentiation" really is nothing more than being mature enough to live out "Covenant-style" relationships. In a Covenant relationship, the person offers to love and give in relationship not based on what they get back, but solely on the basis of their own integrity (wholeness). I give to you, not in order to get back, but simply because I CHOOSE to give to you, without regard to how you give back. God himself demonstrated covenant-style relationship first with Israel and now offers it to all through His Son.

David Schnarch's language is hard to get around, but the concepts, as applied to relationships are really worth the effort. We Christians say that God created sex to be great and marriage to be great, but most of us have real difficulty in living that out because we are stuck in "contract-style" relationships (I give so that you can give back to me and I can then feel good about myself) [borrowed functioning and reflected sense of self]. David's book can help transition us out of contract style relationships to "Covenant-style" relationships.

       A marvelous, humbling workbook, 11. Mai 2000

Very briefly --

Though my girlfriend and I are a bit younger (and less married!) than most of the couples described in Schnarch's marvelous book, we have benefitted enormously from reading it together. Recently, we each read a chapter a week separately (we each have our own copy) and then met to discuss what we had read and how to apply it in our relationship. The basic Schnarchian notion that NO ONE is ready for marriage, that marriage MAKES you ready for marriage -- learning that was worth the purchase price alone. For those who are worn out by the tiresome platitudes of the Mars and Venus crowd, this is the ticket. Marvelous.